Just like to open this entry with a shout out to Margaret :)
Work, uni and 'netting' have taken up most of my time over the last few weeks and I'm happy with the routine that has developed. My immediate future is a stable one which I am thankful for... I don't know, just knowing what I'll be doing relaxes my nerves a bit.
Something dawned on me the other day - though there is a part of me that is happy and excited about what my future holds, there is a part of me that is scared of what I might become. I think I could possibly be scared of success. Success in achieving my goals. Success in finding the one. Success in being happy with life. This 'happyness' thing is all new to me, that I don't know how to react...
Any thoughts? |
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Aug. 26th, 2005 @ 11:29 pm
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I'm writing here because there's nobody else to talk to about what's on my mind. I was talking to a friend earlier this week about my skin, and how it's very important to me. I also mentioned how he could never understand just how deeply it affects me... I've spent so many sleepless nights, so many tears have been shed and so many years wasted because I was so self conscious about it. Even as I type, I avoid typing that particular word starting with 's' because I'm very sensitive about it. Anyways, as I said I told him he could never understand and what does he say in response? "I don't care and I don't want to know". Fair enough he was just being honest, but as a friend he should care just a bit, you know?
And I'm jealous that many of my friends are hanging out with new people, and not including me :( |
What an amazing couple of weeks it's been. Everytime I look up at the stars, and ever morning when I wake up before sunrise I'm reminded of what has transpired over the last few weeks. I've avoided writing about such topics because I did not want to jinx them, but now that they are finalised I'm happy to do so :D
I've got another job. My role... well I'm not exactly what my role is. Basically what I do is use a computer to order stock from various suppliers for a well known jeweller, and how I actually got it is a funny story. One day my friend Wei Yee asked me if I wanted to help out at her work for a couple of days and, having nothing better to do I agreed. What began as a 3 day temp job extended to a month, up to the point where the general manager sat me down and asked if I wanted a permanent part time position there. Of course I said yes!
However with this new job comes new dilemmas. Do I quit my other job at that well known furniture retailer? I wouldn't mind except for the extra tax they'll be taking away from my pay as a result of having more than one job. And also, I'll be only available to work on weekends and even then, they only give me 4 or 5 hour shifts. However, I really enjoy my co workers because they're so much fun :)
So what else is there? Oh yes, I've started dating a guy :) I've been hush hush about it because I didn't want it to end up like my other 'relationships' and it's all going smoothely... however I am freaking out at the prospect of having a boyfriend. I have been single for so long that I enjoy being by myself! He's a nice guy and an incredible kisser..... ;)
.........Oh my god I'm growing up! |
I have a friend with whom I was once close with, we even called each other best friends. This was about 3 years ago and this morning our conversation went along the lines of, 'hey' and "what's new?" We have both drifted apart from each other, and I am sad that I seem to be the only one who has noticed it. Over the last few months we haven't really talked and in my opinion, it's because we just don't have anything in common anymore and we are both heading in different directions. I brought this up with her and she attributed it to her being busy with uni and exams. Which is a plausible excuse, except for the fact that during every other exam period we've had we never stopped talking. Not to mention the fact that she didn't come to my birthday bash... I'm sad about the situation and I have tried, but I can only do so much. And besides this happens all the time; people walk in and out of your life and you have to learn to deal with it.
Lately my posts have bordered on pathetic. I remember the days I would write sagas (well not really!) about my life, my friends and the many adventures I had (well not really aswell!). Gone are the poems I used to post. Gone are the verbs an adjectives I used to use. Gone are the lyrics that would be so appropriate for that period in time. I'd like to try and recapture that part of me, but I no longer have the luxury of spending hours upon hours online. I just realised I am yet to disclose my timetable for this semester.
Monday: 1pm - 7pm MKTG202 and ECON361
Tuesday: 9am - 5pm ISYS123
Wednesday: Temporarily 8.30am - 5pm
Thursday: Temporarily 8.30am - 5pm
Friday: Temporarily 8.30am - 5pm
Saturday: Work at my retail job
Sunday: Work at my retail job
So it's uncommon for me to have 'free' time. Every night I must have 8 hours of sleep, and because I use public transport to go to and from work and school, I have about 3 hours free on a weeknight. Deduct 1 hour for dinner and a shower, and another for my nightly exercise... I have 1 hour to do homework!! The 8.30 - 5pm job is only for the next week or so, but I want to get another part time job so I remain this busy. Am I crazy? Not really. I want to be this busy, because I need to get used to the fast pace that the marketing industry operates in. Plus there's something else that has begun in my life... but I'll mention that in a later entry. =)
Meanwhile I got my phone bill last week. It was $200. Alot considering I'm on the $79 cap which means I get $500 included credit. That means I spent about $600ish last month!!! Holy shit! I looked at the call summary sheet and it was 15 pages! I have to stop calling people whenever I'm on the train... I've decided to go on the $49 cap instead, which gets me $230 credit. It's not that I can't afford the $79 cap... it's just I could be better off spending my money on other things. Besides, I've acquired expensive taste in skin care and clothes lately... |
Dear Reader,
It has come to my attention that I have neglected to update this website, so the following is a rundown of what has happened in my life since the last journal entry.
At the moment I am helping out at my friend Wei Yee's workplace, doing some clerical duties such as computer work, answering emails and filing. It's not too hard and the hours are long (8.30am - 5.30) but it pays the bills. I'm really unhappy at my other job, and am enjoying this short break. Anyways, I hope they offer me a part time job there because I like it there. The boss has dropped little hints here and there that they are interested. Good luck to me!
I took my cousin Karen and her friends to a gay club last weekend for the first time. She enjoyed it, however her friends were very uncomfortable. Suffice to say, they left and my cousin did not have the big night out that she had anticipated but I promised her that I would take her to a really good place next time. ARQ seems like the place to be on sunday nights these days, so I will take her there next time I go clubbing.
Nothing else has been happening. Except, my mum had a dream that I committed suicide. I've read up on the subject before and know that dreams of death are a sign that our lives are changing, and I can feel that at the moment. I'm working more, going out more, spending less time online, more health conscious and more determined to live my life. =) |
Many aspects of my life have changed this year except for one thing: my appearance. I'm essentially wearing the same clothes, using the same products and hiding behind my image - but I want to change that. I feel I have evolved and have decided to change my outside, to match the changes within.
My goals are to:
i) Dress stylishly for the lowest price possible
ii) Have a degree of exclusivity and originality
iii) Be considered 'avant guard'
iv) Catch the attention of hot boys
v) Compliment my confidence
Another reason I'm making these changes is because I'm bored with everything. Once upon a time I used to love art and was emersed in that world, but since then I've been caught in a machine. Where everybody has a shaggy do with the latest Tsubi jean. Perhaps I should just make my own clothes with my name splashed all over :) |
Since losing my diary last week I've been unorganised, lazy and drifting through the days in a perpetual state of confusion. Of course it would be too easy to blame my lost diary, but the truth is that since my birthday I don't really have anything to work 'for'. The whole reason I had been exercising was to look good for my birthday activities, and since that night has passed I've only exercised 2 or 3 times. My birthday was 2 weeks ago. Urgh. So I'll just have to find something else to motivate myself. Or maybe I should look within for inspiration...
On friday night I went to my friend Louis's birthday at Sharkie's Hotel. The dress code was school boy and it was crazy of us to turn up to the club afterwards in our school boy gear. We could literally see the old men drooling LOL! On saturday night was my friend Trevor's birthday and I drove to the city by myself (a first!) and it took forever to find parking (plus I got lost). The club was packed and I saw old friends and met some new ones and in general it was a fun night.
I'll try to post photos if I can. |
The majority of my friends has no idea that this journal exists, partly because I don't advertise this journal at all and partly because they wouldn't understand half of the things I say. The topics I talk about are intrinsic to my soul; and this journal in a sense is a window into the very spirit which fills me with life.
I am a different person to everybody. To my uni friends I am just another marketing student who works hard. To my gay friends I am just another fag looking for love. To my family I am a student looking to make it in this world. They glimpse certain parts of me but are unaware that there are other sides to who I am. My uni friends have no idea how sensual I can be, my gay friends don't know about my past and my family doesn't know how lazy I really am.
So I started thinking about what exactly are the core 'elements' of 'who' I am.
i) My homosexual status
ii) The fact my brother and best friend from high school committed suicide
iii) I am a student
iv) I work casually
v) Dreams are my refuge
vi) Music is my saviour
vii) Mariah Carey is my idol (haha)
Well I'll talk about numero ii for now. I don't understand why, but I feel that when I meet people that I cannot possibly get to know them any better unless they know about that. Why do I feel this way? Perhaps I use it for justification for my actions in other areas of life? I don't know. I've been told by outsiders that I've had a really tragic life but I don't think so. I refuse to play the role of victim any longer and look at bad events as tests of character.
So my brother and my friend will always be an intrinsic part of me, no matter what happens. |
It has been a week and 2 days since I turned 20, and all I've done is work. However, I was working in a different department which was both exciting and daunting because the role requires in depth knowledge of our products and services. Try answering this question, "Hi I'm looking for a wardrobe, it's about this high and a brown colour. Can you get it for me?" It's impossible considering we sell about 60 different types of wardrobes... So that's been my week. I'm glad I had the opportunity to work such long days (a 40 hour week) because it means all my expenses for uni next semester are paid for! No more having to worry about my finances (for now at least).
The whole process of clubbing has become boring. We dress ourselves up in our finest clothes, take the long journey into the city and get drunk while dancing to an amateur dj. It's become pathetic, and a part of me regrets clubbing for my 20th. I guess the main problem I have is that I don't have the opportunity to really get to know the people I go clubbing with. Does helping somebody out while they are vomitting constitute a friendship? Does the fact that they shout you drinks become more important than years of shared experience? Alas, the decision to not go clubbing for a while came at an odd time; this weekend I'm going to Palms for my friend's birthday, the weekend after that is my friend Peter's birthday and the weekend after that I will be taking my cousin out for her first gay club experience. At the moment, my spirit is laughing at me hehehe.
I had a personal horoscope read for me the other day, and perhaps in my next entry I will divulge what was said. But for now, I'd like to write about my feelings towards my 'lovescope'. I've always wanted it all, the whole package. My man can't be good looking and stupid, and he can't be intelligent and condescending. He has to have all the good qualities, and according to my lovescope it's because I want to show him off to my friends. Again my spirit is laughing hahaha. I've never had a proper boyfriend, and I have met some amazing people but I haven't found that special spark. I'm not the type of guy who wants a superficial relationship. There has to been depth.... a link in our souls for the relationship to work out. And also according to my lovescope, when I find such love our sex can only be comparable to a religious experience i.e. it will be DIVINE :D |
The last week or so has been one of change. It all began last saturday when my good friend Sammii bought me 2 books for my birthday; The Alchemist and Veronika Decides To Die both written by Paulo Coelho. I don't want to get into the details, but reading those books gave me a sense of direction in my life, and with my 20th birthday coming up I thought that I could use that occassion as a rite of passage; from living in the shadows to living in the sun.
So The Alchemist is the story about a young boy who goes on a journey to find treasure and a major theme of the story is the interpretation of omens. The universe wants us to succeed in our lives and there are clues if we have the wit to see them. The night before my birthday I was typing up an entry regarding my past, and how certain songs represented certain periods of my life. If you have known me for a while you'd know that I tend to write about the past a lot and sometimes it prevents me from living in the present. As I was writing there was a sudden flash of light and a loud popping sound - my monitor blew up!
I was petrified; could this be one of those omens that was written about in The Alchemist? I interpreted it this way: no longer should I look back in my life, instead I should focus on the present and on the future! Though my monitor blew up, I couldn't help but laugh because if I hadn't had read the book, I may not have recognised the event for what it was: an omen.
Last night was my birthday shindig and it was alright. Actually I got pretty bored in the club but I was trying to make the most out of it... some VIPs (to me that is!) didn't turn up which kind of upset me but many of my friends were there too! I got amazing gifts from a couple of them and it was nice to just hang out again. There is this guy I think is really hot and I probably would've tried to pick him up, but alas I found out he went to ARQ instead. I told his friend that he was hot and his friend told me he had a boy friend. Bugger! But thank you to all the guys that came (though realistically only John and Mario will read this entry out of the people who came last night!)
Fast forward to this afternoon and my wallet was lost/stolen. I'm upset by the fact that I had $120 there which I really needed. I was fuming just a few hours ago and my dad wasn't helping; he was laughing the bastard! I think his friends stole it because your wallet just doesn't get up and walk away... though I just remembered something quite interesting about this event. Another omen perhaps?! In the Alchemist the boy has all his money stolen as well at the beginning of his journey! Perhaps I am meant to have a fresh start, and no amount of money will solve my problems... I did want a change after all.
So I shall close this entry off with my feelings regarding the book, "Mao's Last Dancer". It is about a young poor peasant boy in communist China who grew up to become one of the best ballet dancers in the world... it is possibly the most inspiring story I have ever read. Him and his family had to endure so much suffering and hardship and they worst part; they could not do anything to change their situation. I looked at my own life and asked myself what my dream was... now I have something to work towards, and that journey begins now. My pilgrimage... |
A couple of things to get off my chest:
i) Nobody ever calls me
ii) When your friends start dating they stop talking to you, but when it's over they expect you to be there for you!
iii) When people expect you to make an effort but they shouldn't have to
iv) Not getting shifts at work
v) Rude and snobby co workers
vi) Rude bus drivers
viii) I feel like I'm going nowhere
ix) Nobody wants me
x) I know the above statement is false =/
xi) Nobody understands
xii) I like to hide behind my poetry
xiii) I'm scared nobody will come to my bday |
Last friday was my last exam and I am relieved that they are now over: no longer will I have to worry about remembering figures from the marketing game, or whether to use an F distribution or Chi-squared distribution in econometrics! The ride home with Arina was a pleasant one; we reflected back on the year so far and how much work we had put in to get to where we are.
Yesterday I had a hair cut, and my friend Sammi accompanied me to a hair salon in Cabramatta called 'Minhs'. I like the place and I only paid $40 for a cut and dye; however I don't like the hair colour. Granted I chose it, but I'm thinking about dyeing it blue. Afterwards we went into the city to meet up with friends where I spent ab obscene amount of money on things I don't really need. Damn!
However Sammi bought me my birthday present, 2 books from the author Paulo Coelho called 'Veronika Decides To Die' and 'The Alchemist'. If you are a regular reader of this journal, you'd know that I have also read his book 'Manual of the Warrior of Light'. You'd also know that Coelho writes about the most important issue in our personal lives; our own personal happiness. I've already read 'Veronika Decides To Die' and am amazed at how through words he is able to spark a change deep inside. He is a catalyst to a journey that many refuse to take, yet whose eyes are opened after reading this book. Bill Clinton and Julia Roberts are also known readers of his.
My favourite line from the book is (I'm paraphrasing here!), 'Though I may become frustrated about not having enough money or how annoying our neighbours are, it's nice to know that on a higher plane somewhere my spirit is laughing about all this'. My writing skills are limited and I have thoughts I try to convey with my words but often I fail, so if you are interested in learning a side of me you may not know, I suggest you read the aforementioned books :)Current Music: Mariah Carey - Breakdown |
I envisioned a night adorned with a thousand candles and the smell of freshly baked bread as we sat down to eat our feast. We ate to our hearts content and became lost in each others eyes; we saw the secrets of the stars and of the night. Once our physical bodies surrendered to desire, we saw God's plan and shed tears as we flew higher and higher - and we were amazed as we looked at each other!
I could see your soul and the truth behind your words - you are a shining light and so am I! You possess no physical form but I can feel the affection that you feel for me, and I know that destiny placed us on this path towards the upper limits of climatic climax - and I know that in no other life time will I feel what I feel for you.
I am in love with you...
*wakes up from dream* |
Did I mention that I have exams at the moment? Yeah for the last week or two I've (kinda) been studying and this morning I had my first exam. Yep,an exam on a saturday morning. It was for Consumer Behaviour and wasn't too bad... I only started studying for it on wednesday :P But yeah cramming is always a good idea if you are screwed!
So, how are you? |
So I'm turning 20 on July 2. I'll be entering my 20s with a couple of the issues that were prominent in my latter teen years. I'm trying to stay positive about them :)
i) Lack of career direction - So I'm studying marketing at uni; I have no idea what I'm going to do after I graduate. What kind of jobs can I get with a Bachelors in marketing? What are my career prospects? How do I go about this? This issue isn't as important at the moment as it will be when I graduate. Thus, I need to take steps now in order to give myself the best possible opportunities.
ii) Lack of money - Yes I work but not that much. I don't receive any financial aid from the government or my family, so I'm learning to depend on myself. I need to BUDGET, but a couple of my friends don't understand my situation. They assume that because I work that I have a disposable income, but sometimes that just isn't the case. Until I find another job, I won't enjoy the financial freedom that I desire.
iii) Image - This is an area which I have improved. I've written much about my pilates program and the issues I have with my image, and I'm happy to say that I'm growing to love myself more. My confidence is increasing and it's affecting other areas in my life.
iv) Relationships - This is a topic which I have written much about in the past. The conclusion I have arrived to is that I have not met a guy that I am interested in, and it is not because of any insufficiencies I may have that I am single. I need to get out there and meet people; that's the only way I'll gey anywhere.
v) Self Improvement - By reading books, listening to different kinds of music and trying new things, I hope to evolve into a new and better Blaise. Somebody who is worthy of having such a unique name LOL. Abraham Maslow once said, 'What a man can be, must be'. I realise that I was living in a cocoon in my teen years, and my early 20s will be spent spreading my wings and finding my feet. This is unexplored territory and I'm afraid. But I'm excited, because life is beautiful. |
Back then... the world in which I inhibited was a different place. I remember the group of guys I used to hang out with (about 20 of us), how I left that group to join Jenny's crew and how at the end of high school, I had no true friends out of either group. I made many stupid mistakes and it's only in hindsight that I recognise this, and begin to atone for my foolish behaviour. However, people treated me like dirt as well, so I was a successful graduate in an unofficial school subject: friendship. I believe in high school, we learn what it means to be good friends and bad friends.
And now... I recognise that life is a series of choice. I have made some costly mistakes and I have learned that only if I take responsibility, can I truly grow as a person. I am more aware of my place in the world and yes, I recognise I am just a bit different from the rest. And that's okay, because anything that makes me stand out makes me special. As Paulo Coelho said in his masterpiece, 'The Manual of the Warrior of Light' - "water is the strongest of elements. you can experience the fury of the ocean or the gentle stream but always, water survives'. I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.
Back then... I learned the true value of forgiveness. I learned this from my parents who during a stressful time forgave somebody.... somebody who needed their forgiveness. I am talking about this girl, my brother's ex girlfriend. During those times, my natural instinct was to hate her for everything that had happened but my parents taught me to forgive her. Looking back, yes she made mistakes but she had no idea what would happen as a result.. and it will haunt her for the rest of her life. I haven't seen/spoken to her since then but I hope she is well.
And now... I am poised to take on the world fresh from my cocoon. Could my past be called a cocoon? Was it a cage? Whatever it was, it has moulded me in to the person I am today. I have plenty to smile about, lots to look forward to and a couple of things to fear but that's okay, that's just the beauty of life :) |
My sister is a stupid bitch. She think she's the centre of the world and that everybody must adapt to her many moods. Fuck her, she has no idea how to treat people and has no respect for others. I guess always hanging out with her loser boy friend and never actually leaving my SUBURB is twisting her brain. If only she opened her mind and realised that if she continues to live her life how she is now, then she will end up a hollow burned woman who may have a nice car, nice skin and the perfect hair style - but she would have spent her entire life never having lived.
Argh!!!!! |
Nothing much to report in the world of Blaise. Been working a fair bit, skipping classes and going out. Finals are coming up but I don't have any motivation to study....
I'll talk about my body to spice up this entry :P The yogalates is going well but I've decided that having a toned body isn't good enough. I want muscles man, MUSCLES! And really broad shoulders and a strong core. And a nice firm ass. These can only be accomplished by going to the gym, and I've enquired about the costs of going to my university's gym. However, I need to work first in order to pay for membership...
It's not like the motivation isn't there, I just don't have the financial resources. I guess the main reasons I want to have a good body is to feel better about myself, increase my confidence, attract hot guys and have hot sex :PCurrent Mood:  Water + Chocolate = :( Current Music: Kangta - Persona |
Destiny gives us so many hints regarding what our future entails, and what most call coincidences the soul calls signs. My 20th birthday is coming up (2nd of July) and I will no longer be a teenager. Scary shit!
This year has seen the awakening of my confidence and the realisation that I am growing up. I know it sounds naive but a part of me always believed I would be a teenager, clinging onto my problems and complaining about the world. But the other week I gave myself an order: not to let the problems of my teens into my twenties.
No more time for self pity. No more time for lazyness. And no more time for negative thoughts.
More time for love. More time for positivity. And more time for passion.
My gut instincts are telling me that I am in the middle of something amazing. And the reason it is amazing is because I created it. With the choices that I make I face positive and negative consequences, and treat them equally - if it's bad then I'll fix it, if it's good then I'll push even harder.
I want to push myself beyond my own imagination.
I want to see the sky through the eyes of an eagle.
I want to dive into the ocean and swim with the whales.
I want to fall in love. |
Spent the majority of the day doing my ECON232 assignment. Most of it is alright except the second last question, which I don't know how to do - so I'm just going to guess that one. Nobody can help me because my friends are even more lost than I am, and it is due on monday. Argh!
The yogalatest program is going well as well. Been doing it basically every day, though today I gave myself a break. I'm concerned about doing it every day because my body won't have a chance to rest. The things I do to improve my confidence and to look good for my birthday (which is in July!)
Nothing new to report, except I've been watching Fashion Tv ALOT recently! My favourite models are Gemma Ward, Lily, Alek Wek, MariaCarla, Karen Elson, Isabeli Fontana and Elise Crombez.
That's all for now. |
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